MOVED

I Got a NEW xanga

WANT IT??

leave me a comment..
And
If I turst you enough, I'll goto your page from my new xanga

cuz my new page is a bunch of my thoughts and i go deeper
And It's me spilling my soul
not something I want everybody to see.

<324324

I just think we're put on this world to be scared. This world horrifies me. I'm not sure what to do anymore. Who am I suposed to turn to, when the world has turned it's back on me? What am I suposed to think about the earth's population when all we do is kill, torture, and are just dispicable? I guess I'm just realizing that even if I try to improve the world, nothing wil happen. The population is just generally distructive and horrible. Mr. Lobo has told my class that so many times, and I'd listen to what he had to say about society and the world around us, and knowing deep down, I beleived him, but not really think much about it 5 minutes later. Now I finally get it.

So yeah.. the world scares me. As do some people. well, you see, it's not so much the people, as it is losing the people. So I guess I'll jsut come out and say it. I'm scared of losing people close to me, and I'm scared of commitment. Maybe that's why I suck so much in relationships. I don't want to get too close. I got extremely close to Peter. we dated for.. hmm.. 4 months. It was amazing, being so close to someone. And I jsut thought it was such a great relationship. We were able to show how much we cared for eachotehr without making out, or doing anything sexual. Sure, we kissed, and hugged, and cuddled, and held eachother, but thats what made it amazing. I felt safe in his arms, he made me feel like I have not yet been able to feel since. We broke up, but only because after I went to Arkansas to visist my grandparents, he went home too, his family lived across the road, and then his dad wanted him to stay. We still constantly talked, and became the bestof friends. ANd one night, last May... he called me.. he was upset, I could tell. He had been dating this girl for a while. They were awesome together. I still had feeligns for Peter... but i thought it was great he had this girl. and then one night, she dumpedhim, and told him that he was wortless, and she had found another guy. He was heartbroken. So he called me, and told me he didnt knwo what to do anymore. He missed me so much, but he couldn't move back to Chicago, and this girl was basically his world. and His mom had died 2 years before, and his dad remarried, and he HATED his stepmom. I calmed him down, and talked to him.. and didnt hang up until like 1am, when i got him to start laughing. and a few hours later... he commited suicide. I haven't been that close to anyone else, ever. I've come close, In Bret and Krystin. But it's still not the same. I still have a wallup, that i refuse to breakdown. Thats a problem with our society, everybody is scared of everybody else. and Suicide rates have never been thishigh before. I thinki  its something like every 10 seconds, 19 people have commited suicide. It's horrible. Sometimes when I think about taking my own life{which is about an avrage of 6 times a month} I always decide against it.. I want to make something of myself. I don't want to just be a number in a statistic.

And Andy kinda , in a strange, yet cute way, asked me out today. I had to say no. I'm still feeling like a whore and stupid about Friday. I've been really upset about it. I guess after doing all that shit with him, I deserve havinghim say all those sexual things to me. I was asking for it. So I guess I can't do anything. I can't say I regret doing what I did, because I don't see the point of regreting{i'll write more about regrets in a minute} but I wish I was thinking straight that night.

So now regrets. Hmmm... seriously, I don't see why everyone must live in regrets. Thats living in the past. "You should never regret, because at one point in time, it was what you wanted"- a smart girl told me that once. She lives to regret, but she regrets less than many people I know. I don't regret. I just reflect, and think what I can do next time, if the situation ever come up again. I beleive thats one of the stupid things that our world hs come to also. Everybody lives in the past. You should livei n the present.. taking the future as it comes. I'm sure some of you are calling me a hypocrite. But I'm not regretting, and Im not living in the past. Yeah, sur esome things from the past are bothering me.. but of course it will. You don't just have someone close to you die, and then 5 minutes be like, "opps.. that's in the past, I can't think about it anymore" cuz we all know thats crap.

So yeah.. thats all I can think about right now. Maybe more later.
†Steph†

So Yeah. I guess that is so incredibly true. I just care way too much. I just don't get it at  times. So much has happened in the past days. Seniors stroke, the stuff with Andy, Stuff with Linz, The talk with Krystin and Brent, the talks with Bret and Krystin, Bret's birthday, my twisted emotions. I've just been a bit messed up lately.

SO Senior had a stroke. Mike Scavo Sr. that is. He's Mike Jr's father. Mike had just died in October. And I still remember the day he died, I'm still trying to get it out of my head. That was the first day I ever cried with my mother. We usually cry alone, but that night, after Chris called, we sat together and cried. Saturday, when we got news of Senior's stroke. My mom was in tears, and i was trying to hold back my tears. I didn't want my mom to see that I beleived that he was going to die. And i never want my mom to see how weak I truely am. I've always been the stronger one out of the two of us... on the outside at least. Insiide I know I'm weaker, its a known fact. I was always the one who didn't cry, and just sat there telling my mom it was okay, and thatthings happened for a reason. I'd wait until i was alone to cry, I'd wait until there was nobody else around, nobody else crying. At funerals and wakes, I'd be the one walkign around giving hugs.Rubbing backs. Sitting with peopleand talking to them, or just letting them know I was there. I know most just blew me off, I mean what can a little girl do to make them feel better? But sometimes it helped. Like at Mike Jr's funeral. I stayed away from Junior's wife... I never liked her, and when Mike was diagnosed with ALS, she took advantage of it. She was a horrible lady. But I spent my time with Junior's brother, Chris. I love Chris, he's the greatest. I gave him so many hugs that day. And we just talked for a little bit. And I went to Chris's wife a few times, she's so sweet. And I spent alot of time with Maria and Mike, Chris's youngest children. But who I spent the most time with was Chris Jr., and Mikey III. Chris Jr. is Chris's son whose a year older than me, adn Mikey is Mike Jr's son. I had always had this vision of Chris Jr. of him being a typical guy,n emotions, all macho, never crys, but this day, I sat outside with him, and out of all the times we had hung out, this  was the first time we had a serious talk... and it wasn't long before he burst into tears. Mikey was his cousin, and he had not clue how he was suposed to explain to Mikey that he would never see his father again. Mikey beleived that his daddy just went on a trip. Mikey adored his fathr, hated his mother. you know somethigns wrong when a 5 year old will go up to you and say, "I love my daddy" but when you ask about themother he goes, "Mommy is a mean lady, I don't like her". That was one of the worst days of my life. And I know Chris Jr. took it extremely hard, because I went to his house, and there was some dance, party or something coming up, and I asked him to it. He said no. He probabaly would have said yes, hd there been different circumstances. Chris Jr. is an amazing guy, and he goes to Conant. I told him if he ever needs a date to anything, any dance, or anything. He knows I'm there for him whenever he needs me.   So yeah.. Junior's death, and my whole sad thing with Chris has been on my mind all weekend. I NEVER stop thinking about Mike Jr, but sinceSenior's stroke, I've been thinking more intensely about it. Oh, and by the way, Senior survived, and is still in the hospital, thank goodness.

So there's also been some stuff going on with Linz and Andy. I won't go into detail, because, well... as i learned from some junior high buddies of mine{from Taft High school} xanga's can be read by anyone. But some of the stuff with both of those people have been causeing tension, and intensive thinnking lately.I'll start with Andy Andy has said some things to me, and I'm not completely sure how I should take them. I act like it's all okay with me, which I should really stop doing, because it's not okay. The comments made me uncomfortable, adn feel bad about myself. Made me feel like a whore. Like I put myself out there. Lately, after Friday night, I've been covering up my body more. I'm not sure why. Probably insecurities. I'm very shocked I even went that far with him. We're not dating, we're not "together" i guess, and after dating Ryan for 5 months, I never went that far. It all happened too fast for me. I got caught in the moment, and I dont want that to happen again. and he's said some disturbing things to me, which havent made me feelmy best. Now, Lindsey. I'm always busy now, or  just lazy, thats how I am when it comes to summer time. I don't go out, I'm a loner, I stay secluded unless I go out with one of my brothers, and so my summer's are usualy fun, yet boring. She always wants to hang out, which is great, but it makes me feel bad when I have to say no, because I usually get plans by noon everyday.. or I have the whole week planned out. Or somethign susually comes up during the day. And then we got into a fight today becasue of stupid things I wrote on my xanga about my dog, which were not suposed to be taken personally, but she took them personally, and went way to far with it. But whatever, it's over. So lately, I've been feeling like crap because of my situations with them. But I guess I can get over it... I always do.. in the long run.

The talk with Krystin and Brent. Oh my. That was short. But all in all, we miss last year. The three of us have changed so much in the year that has passed since we had met. Xanga, Harry Potter, and MSN is what got Krystin and I to talk. MSN, and just being wicked cool got me to talk to Brent. We used to sit and talk for hours and hours. we were such losers last summer. Then school started. A month into school, Brent was too 'popular' for me and Krystin. So we were alone. But then alot happened, and we eventually stopped talking. So the three of us just seperated. and then one day Brent and I started talkign again, we got into fights, and argued over our opinions and views on certain things. It was amazing. we would always say, "well thats your opinion, and I respect that you have your own opion, and I have mine" and we'd then have a nice, peaceful conversation. It was amazing. Then he disappered again. Then about a month and a half later, he reappeard, and then 2 weeks later, me and Krystin becames friends again. But it's still not the same. We still all love eachother.... but me and Krystin came toa conclusion, thatI have just started accepting. Brent hasn't changed too much, but we have changed alot. The thing is, Brent became too good for us.

And now I have a bunch of conversations with my two lovers, Krystin and Bret{not BreNt, lol..  2 different people}. We are so inseperable. Not even one of the worst fights could break us apart. We happen to know from experience. I Love these two, more than I can ever love anybody in the world. Sure, I've gotten some really close friends, a few boyfriends, and many people who i've grown to love, but there's just something about these two. I've decided not to be close with anyone anymore at the moment, jsut to give me space to think and stuff, but I can't seperate myself from these two. It's just impossible. They've been there for me at times when everyone else has abandoned me. And at times, when i make eveything about me, they have never complained. I love that about them. They are so great. they are the most loyal friends that I've been able to kepp for the longest time. i mean, Krystin 'hated' me, but she still stook up for me about a guy. I mean she was extrmely pissed off at me, I  had  done something unforgiveable, yet she still found it in her to stand up for me.. and then she eventually forgave me. Ilove them more than I will ever be able to love.

Today was Bret's birthday. And I know it's not my bussiness, yet it is, since Bret is my BabyCakes. But he turned 15 today, and I'm not sure if Chris called him. If Bret didn't get a call from Chris, he's gonna be so pissed, and maybe heart-broken. I don't want that to happen to Bret. I love the MUFFINBUTT!!{hehe i love that word Krystin}.I care so deeply for this boy.. and i hope he's okay.

Oh and one thing I didnt mention in the first paragraph. I saw a picture on a friends site.. and it sent me back to old time. It was a picture of Trevor. Trevor was amazing. He was one of the many security guards at Taft High School. He always found a way of making me smile, making EVERYONE smile. He wore pink, and we always would respect him most on the days he wore pink. besides being a security guard{that for us 7th/8th graders, he was in the lunch room} he was also a football coach. "handle your business" was a quote that all of his players rememebr him saying. Then one day, he just wasnt there. He had taken a leave. he was diabetic. I found out about his diabetes a week after he took leave. and Then we heard one day that the Saturday or sunday following that friday, Trevor would be going into bi-pss surgery. It was a dangerous procedure because he had diabetes. But he wanted to improve his health. And so that Monday, I came t school, and the announcement came. Trevor didn't survive his surgery. A bunch of kids were crying in my class. I only let a few tears fall down my checks. That day during lunch, you could see how loved Trevor was. They posted 2 HUGE posters on 2 of the walls of the caffeteria. they were blank. They were for people to sign and put messages abotu Trevor. His wake was a very sad occasion. I went with Lindsay C, and Anna C, and Martha K eventually showed us, and we all hugged, and cried, adn it was so sad. There were hundreds of people at the wake. His family close friends, football teams, teachers, ad then there was the kids at our school who he impacted. He only worked at taft for about 2-3 Months, but he impacted all who were in his presence.
here's His picture.

Trevor Hepburn RIP

So yeah.. theres more bothering me.. but this is just the stuff..thats kinda what I wanted to get out. There's more.. and when I'm ready, I'll come out and tell cetain people. 

†Steph†

more about whats bothering me

I just think we're put on this world to be scared. This world horrifies me. I'm not sure what to do anymore. Who am I suposed to turn to, when the world has turned it's back on me? What am I suposed to think about the earth's population when all we do is kill, torture, and are just dispicable? I guess I'm just realizing that even if I try to improve the world, nothing wil happen. The population is just generally distructive and horrible. Mr. Lobo has told my class that so many times, and I'd listen to what he had to say about society and the world around us, and knowing deep down, I beleived him, but not really think much about it 5 minutes later. Now I finally get it.

So yeah.. the world scares me. As do some people. well, you see, it's not so much the people, as it is losing the people. So I guess I'll jsut come out and say it. I'm scared of losing people close to me, and I'm scared of commitment. Maybe that's why I suck so much in relationships. I don't want to get too close. I got extremely close to Peter. we dated for.. hmm.. 4 months. It was amazing, being so close to someone. And I jsut thought it was such a great relationship. We were able to show how much we cared for eachotehr without making out, or doing anything sexual. Sure, we kissed, and hugged, and cuddled, and held eachother, but thats what made it amazing. I felt safe in his arms, he made me feel like I have not yet been able to feel since. We broke up, but only because after I went to Arkansas to visist my grandparents, he went home too, his family lived across the road, and then his dad wanted him to stay. We still constantly talked, and became the bestof friends. ANd one night, last May... he called me.. he was upset, I could tell. He had been dating this girl for a while. They were awesome together. I still had feeligns for Peter... but i thought it was great he had this girl. and then one night, she dumpedhim, and told him that he was wortless, and she had found another guy. He was heartbroken. So he called me, and told me he didnt knwo what to do anymore. He missed me so much, but he couldn't move back to Chicago, and this girl was basically his world. and His mom had died 2 years before, and his dad remarried, and he HATED his stepmom. I calmed him down, and talked to him.. and didnt hang up until like 1am, when i got him to start laughing. and a few hours later... he commited suicide. I haven't been that close to anyone else, ever. I've come close, In Bret and Krystin. But it's still not the same. I still have a wallup, that i refuse to breakdown. Thats a problem with our society, everybody is scared of everybody else. and Suicide rates have never been thishigh before. I thinki  its something like every 10 seconds, 19 people have commited suicide. It's horrible. Sometimes when I think about taking my own life{which is about an avrage of 6 times a month} I always decide against it.. I want to make something of myself. I don't want to just be a number in a statistic.

And Andy kinda , in a strange, yet cute way, asked me out today. I had to say no. I'm still feeling like a whore and stupid about Friday. I've been really upset about it. I guess after doing all that shit with him, I deserve havinghim say all those sexual things to me. I was asking for it. So I guess I can't do anything. I can't say I regret doing what I did, because I don't see the point of regreting{i'll write more about regrets in a minute} but I wish I was thinking straight that night.

So now regrets. Hmmm... seriously, I don't see why everyone must live in regrets. Thats living in the past. "You should never regret, because at one point in time, it was what you wanted"- a smart girl told me that once. She lives to regret, but she regrets less than many people I know. I don't regret. I just reflect, and think what I can do next time, if the situation ever come up again. I beleive thats one of the stupid things that our world hs come to also. Everybody lives in the past. You should livei n the present.. taking the future as it comes. I'm sure some of you are calling me a hypocrite. But I'm not regretting, and Im not living in the past. Yeah, sur esome things from the past are bothering me.. but of course it will. You don't just have someone close to you die, and then 5 minutes be like, "opps.. that's in the past, I can't think about it anymore" cuz we all know thats crap.

So yeah.. thats all I can think about right now. Maybe more later.
†Steph†

{ignore this}

normal fairytale starts off with "Once upon a time" but a southern fairytale starts off with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit!"

So Yeah. I guess that is so incredibly true. I just care way too much. I just don't get it at  times. So much has happened in the past days. Seniors stroke, the stuff with Andy, Stuff with Linz, The talk with Krystin and Brent, the talks with Bret and Krystin, Bret's birthday, my twisted emotions. I've just been a bit messed up lately.

SO Senior had a stroke. Mike Scavo Sr. that is. He's Mike Jr's father. Mike had just died in October. And I still remember the day he died, I'm still trying to get it out of my head. That was the first day I ever cried with my mother. We usually cry alone, but that night, after Chris called, we sat together and cried. Saturday, when we got news of Senior's stroke. My mom was in tears, and i was trying to hold back my tears. I didn't want my mom to see that I beleived that he was going to die. And i never want my mom to see how weak I truely am. I've always been the stronger one out of the two of us... on the outside at least. Insiide I know I'm weaker, its a known fact. I was always the one who didn't cry, and just sat there telling my mom it was okay, and thatthings happened for a reason. I'd wait until i was alone to cry, I'd wait until there was nobody else around, nobody else crying. At funerals and wakes, I'd be the one walkign around giving hugs.Rubbing backs. Sitting with peopleand talking to them, or just letting them know I was there. I know most just blew me off, I mean what can a little girl do to make them feel better? But sometimes it helped. Like at Mike Jr's funeral. I stayed away from Junior's wife... I never liked her, and when Mike was diagnosed with ALS, she took advantage of it. She was a horrible lady. But I spent my time with Junior's brother, Chris. I love Chris, he's the greatest. I gave him so many hugs that day. And we just talked for a little bit. And I went to Chris's wife a few times, she's so sweet. And I spent alot of time with Maria and Mike, Chris's youngest children. But who I spent the most time with was Chris Jr., and Mikey III. Chris Jr. is Chris's son whose a year older than me, adn Mikey is Mike Jr's son. I had always had this vision of Chris Jr. of him being a typical guy,n emotions, all macho, never crys, but this day, I sat outside with him, and out of all the times we had hung out, this  was the first time we had a serious talk... and it wasn't long before he burst into tears. Mikey was his cousin, and he had not clue how he was suposed to explain to Mikey that he would never see his father again. Mikey beleived that his daddy just went on a trip. Mikey adored his fathr, hated his mother. you know somethigns wrong when a 5 year old will go up to you and say, "I love my daddy" but when you ask about themother he goes, "Mommy is a mean lady, I don't like her". That was one of the worst days of my life. And I know Chris Jr. took it extremely hard, because I went to his house, and there was some dance, party or something coming up, and I asked him to it. He said no. He probabaly would have said yes, hd there been different circumstances. Chris Jr. is an amazing guy, and he goes to Conant. I told him if he ever needs a date to anything, any dance, or anything. He knows I'm there for him whenever he needs me.   So yeah.. Junior's death, and my whole sad thing with Chris has been on my mind all weekend. I NEVER stop thinking about Mike Jr, but sinceSenior's stroke, I've been thinking more intensely about it. Oh, and by the way, Senior survived, and is still in the hospital, thank goodness.

So there's also been some stuff going on with Linz and Andy. I won't go into detail, because, well... as i learned from some junior high buddies of mine{from Taft High school} xanga's can be read by anyone. But some of the stuff with both of those people have been causeing tension, and intensive thinnking lately.I'll start with Andy Andy has said some things to me, and I'm not completely sure how I should take them. I act like it's all okay with me, which I should really stop doing, because it's not okay. The comments made me uncomfortable, adn feel bad about myself. Made me feel like a whore. Like I put myself out there. Lately, after Friday night, I've been covering up my body more. I'm not sure why. Probably insecurities. I'm very shocked I even went that far with him. We're not dating, we're not "together" i guess, and after dating Ryan for 5 months, I never went that far. It all happened too fast for me. I got caught in the moment, and I dont want that to happen again. and he's said some disturbing things to me, which havent made me feelmy best. Now, Lindsey. I'm always busy now, or  just lazy, thats how I am when it comes to summer time. I don't go out, I'm a loner, I stay secluded unless I go out with one of my brothers, and so my summer's are usualy fun, yet boring. She always wants to hang out, which is great, but it makes me feel bad when I have to say no, because I usually get plans by noon everyday.. or I have the whole week planned out. Or somethign susually comes up during the day. And then we got into a fight today becasue of stupid things I wrote on my xanga about my dog, which were not suposed to be taken personally, but she took them personally, and went way to far with it. But whatever, it's over. So lately, I've been feeling like crap because of my situations with them. But I guess I can get over it... I always do.. in the long run.

The talk with Krystin and Brent. Oh my. That was short. But all in all, we miss last year. The three of us have changed so much in the year that has passed since we had met. Xanga, Harry Potter, and MSN is what got Krystin and I to talk. MSN, and just being wicked cool got me to talk to Brent. We used to sit and talk for hours and hours. we were such losers last summer. Then school started. A month into school, Brent was too 'popular' for me and Krystin. So we were alone. But then alot happened, and we eventually stopped talking. So the three of us just seperated. and then one day Brent and I started talkign again, we got into fights, and argued over our opinions and views on certain things. It was amazing. we would always say, "well thats your opinion, and I respect that you have your own opion, and I have mine" and we'd then have a nice, peaceful conversation. It was amazing. Then he disappered again. Then about a month and a half later, he reappeard, and then 2 weeks later, me and Krystin becames friends again. But it's still not the same. We still all love eachother.... but me and Krystin came toa conclusion, thatI have just started accepting. Brent hasn't changed too much, but we have changed alot. The thing is, Brent became too good for us.

And now I have a bunch of conversations with my two lovers, Krystin and Bret{not BreNt, lol..  2 different people}. We are so inseperable. Not even one of the worst fights could break us apart. We happen to know from experience. I Love these two, more than I can ever love anybody in the world. Sure, I've gotten some really close friends, a few boyfriends, and many people who i've grown to love, but there's just something about these two. I've decided not to be close with anyone anymore at the moment, jsut to give me space to think and stuff, but I can't seperate myself from these two. It's just impossible. They've been there for me at times when everyone else has abandoned me. And at times, when i make eveything about me, they have never complained. I love that about them. They are so great. they are the most loyal friends that I've been able to kepp for the longest time. i mean, Krystin 'hated' me, but she still stook up for me about a guy. I mean she was extrmely pissed off at me, I  had  done something unforgiveable, yet she still found it in her to stand up for me.. and then she eventually forgave me. Ilove them more than I will ever be able to love.

Today was Bret's birthday. And I know it's not my bussiness, yet it is, since Bret is my BabyCakes. But he turned 15 today, and I'm not sure if Chris called him. If Bret didn't get a call from Chris, he's gonna be so pissed, and maybe heart-broken. I don't want that to happen to Bret. I love the MUFFINBUTT!!{hehe i love that word Krystin}.I care so deeply for this boy.. and i hope he's okay.

Oh and one thing I didnt mention in the first paragraph. I saw a picture on a friends site.. and it sent me back to old time. It was a picture of Trevor. Trevor was amazing. He was one of the many security guards at Taft High School. He always found a way of making me smile, making EVERYONE smile. He wore pink, and we always would respect him most on the days he wore pink. besides being a security guard{that for us 7th/8th graders, he was in the lunch room} he was also a football coach. "handle your business" was a quote that all of his players rememebr him saying. Then one day, he just wasnt there. He had taken a leave. he was diabetic. I found out about his diabetes a week after he took leave. and Then we heard one day that the Saturday or sunday following that friday, Trevor would be going into bi-pss surgery. It was a dangerous procedure because he had diabetes. But he wanted to improve his health. And so that Monday, I came t school, and the announcement came. Trevor didn't survive his surgery. A bunch of kids were crying in my class. I only let a few tears fall down my checks. That day during lunch, you could see how loved Trevor was. They posted 2 HUGE posters on 2 of the walls of the caffeteria. they were blank. They were for people to sign and put messages abotu Trevor. His wake was a very sad occasion. I went with Lindsay C, and Anna C, and Martha K eventually showed us, and we all hugged, and cried, adn it was so sad. There were hundreds of people at the wake. His family close friends, football teams, teachers, ad then there was the kids at our school who he impacted. He only worked at taft for about 2-3 Months, but he impacted all who were in his presence.
here's His picture.

Trevor Hepburn RIP

So yeah.. theres more bothering me.. but this is just the stuff..thats kinda what I wanted to get out. There's more.. and when I'm ready, I'll come out and tell cetain people. 

†Steph†